Hi I’m Sina Khani,
It’s been over a year since I last reviewed “Gay Love,” an unrecommendably obscure KIRAC (Keeping It Real Art Critics) video. Since then, many patrons, myself included, who were foolish enough to pay for a collective that claims to be subversive, have been waiting for something resembling a payoff. Instead, we get unlistenable podcasts about how smart the makers are not, delivered by a non-practicing intellectual named Kate Sinha and a Pepe-the-Frog impersonator (not kidding) Stefan Ruitenbeek, who, mistakenly resembles SHREK but with AIDS.
And now, we’re handed another substitute, another delay disguised as content.
This time, the piece was made by one of the “art critic” interns. His name is Brant Peije Teunis. The film is so dumb, lame, and forgettable, my favorite kind, the kind I would never recommend, that I’m only watching it today as a distraction while working on a new Creeps From The Middle East episode. I set my Siri timer for one hour and dive headfirst into the Amsterdam art scene’s bleached little butthole.
Come with me. Let’s have fun.
1. MDMA
The video, which my whole Iranian filmmaker body rejects calling a “film,” but which I will do out of goodwill—I am here to make friends—is called Love of the Game. It stars a couple of nobodies, including upfront ethical porn actress Sandra Soliman, also not known as Bimbo Übermensch.
Sandra is divorced. Sandra is heartbroken. Sandra is homeless. She moves to Amsterdam and goes to a party in a cold basement, and makes out with the director of the very same film we’re watching, presumably to get a role in the very film we’re watching and a couch to crash on. Finding an apartment is a bitch these days.
The whole KIRAC gang is there. They’re high off their tits on MDMA or XTC. The Vengaboys are blasting hard. And nobody is having fun.
I looked up the chorus of the song they’re dancing to, and apparently it means something:
The Vengabus is coming,
And everybody’s jumping.
New York to San Francisco,
An intercity disco.
The wheels of steel are turning,
And traffic lights are burning.
So if you like to party,
Get on and move your body.
At this point in the film I feel the exact opposite of FOMO. I am experiencing the fear of being invited to a Sandra party.
2. WHO IS A GOOD GIRL?
At least Sandra Soliman seems to have taken my review of KIRAC 28 – Gay Love – to heart and proves she can listen and learn. She has been a good girl. Who has been a good girl? Sandra has.
In that essay, I asked what Sandra could possibly bring that her predecessor, Dutch philosophy student Jini van Rooijen (porn name: Jini Jane), did not. The answer back then was: nothing. Simple. Permit me to quote myself, because these words were forged during a sleepless, historical night:
“Jini at least isn’t just a pretty face. She once put a radish into her asshole, pulled it out, and ate it. Jini had talent. And I miss that. Not even a nipple with this Sandra girl. Not even a bloody goddamn nipple. Nothing.”
Now that’s art criticism at its finest.
Well, Jini Jane’s career is over because she isn’t ageing well, and you can cancel her OnlyFans subscription along with KIRAC’s.
This is where our foxy little Sandra whore smells opportunity. She grabs Jini’s physical decay by the balls and flashes her cute little Egyptian nipples. Yippieee. Incredible cinema so far.
3. NOT EXACTLY A GOOD LOOK
Sandra’s mean and toxic ex-husband calls, to tell her that he has no regret about the divorce. Why would he?
Sandra is sad. It’s not a good look. Judge for yourself:
4. TOILET IDEAS
Director Brant comes up with a genius idea while, and I am not joking, taking a dump: Let’s prank Daniel Miller, an art critic guy that Sandra has a desperate crush on.
Sandra loves this idea. She actually thinks it’s genius. So they write him a few emails and set up a trap. They lure him under false pretenses to give an interview in a pub! Well organized, crew!
In reality, it’s just Sandra’s sad little ambush. Here is what happens. Daniel Miller and his girlfriend arrive at the bar and start giving that promised talk when suddenly and for Daniel enexpectedly Sandra enters. She lunges at Daniel and his girlfriend, dramatically revealing that she’s been having an affair with him, all to mess with them. As if that weren’t enough, she has brought a tamed, rented, non-poisonous snake, which the pet owner drapes around her neck before her attack. Unfortunately, the snake only makes her look even weaker because now, she can barely move. What a disaster.
But here’s the main bummer: Daniel and his girlfriend aren’t shocked. Not even a little. It’s old news. She already knew about their thing and she doesn’t give a damn. Their bored faces practically say it for them: Move on, Sandra.
Brant films the whole thing like a proud papa bear watching his cub take her first dumb.
What a masterstroke. You conceived this on the toilet? Well, the whole thing smells like yesterday’s brown radish.
No wonder KIRAC handed this film idea off to an intern. Even they knew it was crap. Even they. EVEN THEY!
5. THE YELLOW GODDESS
Oh, Sandra. Magnificent, shimmering queen of the desiccating Nile. You slather on that generously adjusted yellow body paint, convinced it will make you glow, but nah. Sweat slicks your flawless skin until you resemble a Sphinx brought to life, if the Sphinx were not a goddess but a broke bimbo.
Oh Sandra, how you drape that slithering python over your perky shoulders, begging Daniel to dive in and worship every inch of your divine, cock teasing form. You are so brave. So feminine. So utterly irresistible that Daniel’s girlfriend, who is forced to watch this shitshow, must be creaming her panties in burning jealousy as you shine like a golden cum dumpster ready for action.
Who needs talent when you have a tight, exotic body screaming for validation? Jini and her radish stunt? Amateur hour compared to this radiant, ass clenching masterpiece. Keep shining, Sandra. You filthy, filthy temptress.
6. REVENGE PORN WITHOUT PORN OR REVENGE
After the prank predictably collapses because nothing actually happens, Sandra breaks down in tears. Boo hoo. Daniel doesn’t fall for the snake bit, and Sandra begins questioning her life choices once again.
But didn’t I already tell you you’re not talented in the last film? Remember? Why don’t you listen to me? I care about you.
Daniel is unimpressed. The viewer of Love of the Game is bored. And Sandra is left crying over a failed revenge fantasy.
This is the very, very climax. A brownish woman crying because a smartish man did not validate her performance art tantrum. Classic Bimbo Übermensch.
7. THE FADE TO IRRELEVANCE
And just like that, the film crawls very slowly to its end. No bang. No whimper. Just a sad fizzle, like a deflated whoopee cushion.
Sandra learns nothing. Brant congratulates himself on his dump-inspired imitation of an old KIRAC video. Daniel has already forgotten this ever happened, but this article will remain online forever to remind you, dear reader and KIRAC patron, that you made a very big mistake investing your money in Keeping It Real Art Critics.
Remember when KIRAC had teeth? When the Rietveld Academy actually saw them as a valid, subversive threat? When Tarik Sadouma made art collector Philip van den Hurk run after him all the way to Cairo? When that banana art boy was still making banana art? Well, the golden days are over. Now it’s interns pranking anti-woke critics while taking runny MDMA shits.
My prophecy last time was correct. KIRAC 27 was the death of KIRAC. This confirms it. This is the final funeral.
Cancel my subscription and send me Jini’s radish instead. At least that had flavor. Anything is better than the taste of water.
Love of the Game.
A forgettable film best left unwatched.
Thanks for reading and heads up. The next review I will write will probably be about Creeps Army aka Toilet Junkies, formerly Toilet Creeps or Junkies from North Holland (the choice is yours), by Maria van der Velde who stole my white slaves Steven Bos, and Susan Lanting. Can’t waaaaaait! This is so much fun… For me.
Much love,
